Wednesday, March 1, 2017

If Only In My Dreams...

Do you ever have those dreams that feel so real?  Some are happy, some scary, some bad.  You awake either feeling relieved it's over or sad at something that didn't even really exist?

If this ecard describes you, you might just want to skip this post.  I won't be going too much into detail, but just a forewarning.

I can't shake last night's dream out of my head.  I've had these dreams a couple of times since Connor was born and each time, I have a really hard time shaking the feeling when I get up.  

Last night/this morning in my bits of sleep on the couch (no marriage problems in case you're wondering. Sleeping on the couch at our house means you're on Connor duty and he's woken up in the middle of the night...12:58 last night/this morning for inquiring minds...), I dreamed Connor was walking.

That may seem like not a big deal, but even as I sit here typing, I'm tearing up thinking of it (lack of sleep maaaaaayyyy be a contributing factor).  

In my dream, Connor surprised me by coming around a corner walking.  And y'all, he was so darn proud of himself.  He was smiling and laughing and I'm 99.9% sure I was absolutely beaming in my sleep.  I called Matt over and grabbed my phone and just couldn't get over it.  He was magically walking.  Just like that.  It felt so real.

Then, he began playing and interacting with a ton of toys and it was like something clicked in him.  I was so amazed.  Now, full disclosure...Connor was kind of small in my dream when he walked and by the time it got to the end of my dream, he was the size of a worm.  Weird.  I'm sure a psychiatrist (psychologist?) could have a field day.  

The hardest part of these amazingly hopeful dreams is waking up and realizing it was a dream and that this isn't happening now (and for us, there's a possibility of it never happening).  That's not to say that I don't hold out hope...of course I do.  But I also know that there's a lot of things that have to happen first for him to do things like that.

I'm lucky that these dreams don't come often, maybe once a year, and they often will cover different facets of life (talking, walking, playing, etc.).  It would be very hard if they were more frequent because they kind of put me in a slight funk and serve as a reminder of the obstacles my sweet boy faces.  

However, if you have met him in person, or seen videos, you know that Connor isn't letting the cards he was dealt in life keep him from enjoying it.  I strongly feel that one day his "talking" will turn into hearing "Momma" or "Dadda" and if, and when, that day comes, I will be shouting from the rooftops.  The same if he walks.  

For now, they will stay only in my dreams...