Friday, February 16, 2018

Last Day of Being 4

Connor turns 5 tomorrow.  Let me preface this post by saying it's going to focus on some reflective, not so cheery things.  If you want positive and upbeat, visit us again tomorrow :)

That doesn't even seem possible. I know that's a cliche thing every parent says, but it just seems so crazy.

I will say that the first 2 years were crazy.  I'm talking cray.  Those years definitely felt like a year had passed.

But now?  Time really is flying.

I found myself reflecting on the way to work this morning about what a whirlwind it's been these past 5 years.  I found myself getting emotional too.  Not just because he's turning 5, but because of how utterly different these first few years have gone.  Here are 4 things I've thought about today (and many, many other days!)

Expectations
When I look at these pictures, I can't accurately describe how it makes me feel.



You see, these pictures were taken right was we headed out to the hospital shortly after my water broke.  We had no idea how much our lives would change in a few hours.  

We packed minimally for what we assumed would be a routine delivery. We had no idea it would be over 3 weeks before we brought our son home (and before we came back home).

We were nervous, excited, anxious...all of the thoughts new parents-to-be have.  

If you're new to our journey, we did not know Connor would be born with the issues we had.  We were told to expect a healthy 7-7.5 lb. baby boy.  Our world was rocked to its core the next morning.  

Those expectations of a routine labor and delivery?  Totally out the window.  If you had that experience, be grateful for it.  It is unbelievably difficult to leave the hospital without your child.  

It is painful to watch your son be loaded and sent off to a totally different hospital for their amazing services.  



It is challenging to juggle holding an infant with wires, probes, and monitors attached to his body.

Even though our experience was not at all how we expected, I am grateful for it.  I am grateful for the medical technology available that helped us and my son.  I am grateful we, and our parents, live so close to MUSC.  I am grateful to know that we've gotten through tough things before.

Twinge of Sadness
While I am a pretty positive and upbeat person (hello cheerleader Bonnie!), there are definitely times and moments where I can be sad.  There are obvious ones, like today when I reflect on how different things are than what I thought they would be, but there are also times where it hits out of nowhere.

Changing his sheets and seeing the sporty dogs.  Knowing that Connor's body currently won't let him do the things most boys his age do.

Realizing earlier this school year that if things were different, Connor would be at my school in CD.

Seeing things like 'babies don't keep,' 'please don't grow up,' etc.  I know that no parents mean these things and that all parents wish their little ones could stay little forever, but please embrace the life changes that are happening.  I'll get to this a little more with my last one...

Sorrow for his Struggles
He doesn't realize that he's got it way tougher than most kids.

He doesn't realize that other kids can do things he can't (for this, I am grateful.  I am so, so, so very grateful that he doesn't realize he's "different"...he just does his own Connor thing.)

He doesn't realize that most four 5 year olds are running, jumping, playing, reading, talking, eating, drinking, etc.  I could go on and on.



This sorrow is something that we feel as parents that he has to struggle.  But you know what's great?  Connor doesn't know it and he just tries his best every single day.   I have to say, and I'll probably say it again tomorrow, Connor is my hero.  He is so stinkin' tough.  Way tougher than I am.  

Timeline
As a parent of a kid with special needs, this is probably the toughest thing.  I won't go further into this because it's really very personal and emotional, but it's something I think of more often than I want to.


So, there you have it.  4 things I've thought of today on my sweet sweet boy's last day of being 4.  I am honored to be Connor's mom and grateful for the joy he provides us each and every day.



Stay tuned tomorrow for a much more upbeat and positive post! 

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